It’s been quite a few years since I last blogged. 3 years? 4 years?

And I decide that I’m gonna write something here today.






I realise. As I get older. Day by day. Minute by minute.

That I lose my voice.

I lose the light in me that sparkles joy.

I lose hope.

I lose faith.

I lose happiness.

I start to lose the will to continue.


And ultimately… I stop losing and stop feeling.


I don’t know when it started. But I know it’s overwhelming me and putting me back in my “dark spot”. The place where I’m surrounded by darkness, by shadows of demons, by things I fear.


I’m neither in pain. Nor in delight.


I may laugh.

I may joke.

I may seem frustrated.





To be honest…


Deep inside.



I feel like the walking dead.

Without the rotting flesh.

Without the limp.

Without the need to run around looking and sinking my teeth into another hot body.







There’s still hope.

And. I. Believe.

Updated: Red Productions Who?

Hi again… 

There’s a last group of people I forgot to thank from my previous post. 

Thank you techies!!! Although I know not many will like know that I’m writing this cause we don’t have contacts…. 

Thank you the team for constantly being so supportive and generous with your hard work. It has been hard on you guys… 

When suddenly I have to get aux cable from you guys… Then suddenly have to add this and add that. I’m thankful that your are so supplied with your equipment and efficiency for providing us with whatever we need!

I’m not the easiest to work with… Especially with my cold jokes and somewhat “threats” of “if again audio got problem, next show you go act.” Or suddenly saying “eh, you know the cues already la… You can solo… I just seat and relax and don’t come tomorrow.” 

I mean I’m loud and noisy and I talk a lot. So I’m thankful that you guys are all so accepting of my differences… Even treating me and Shermin as one your own… I think right??? 😕😕😕😕

Thanks Muen for always supplying us with food and drinks… The Gong Cha and the night supper and dinner. Thank you guys for being so thoughtful! 

Thank you Tejay, for constantly helping out and running here and there to fix the audio system whenever there is a problem. Especially the one at the crucifixion scene, the Getai scene and the South Transcept 3 women scene. 

Always comms you to tell you got problem and you run over… But Hor apparently when you here, audio totally fine… When you not around, audio got problem…. Funny huh…. 

Thank you for the guys who I have work close hand in hand… Charles, Roy, Matthew and everyone else. 

Thank you for all your hard work. 

Red productions Who?

Late Post – RED PRODUCTIONS: WHO? 2015

I’m a pretty lazy person in general. Or we can put it nicely that I do things at my own pace. Especially when it comes to my personal life, friends and my blogs. Sometimes the pace that I walk… a bit too slow. But also at times too fast that its easy for me to drop dead on the floor pretty quickly.

So today, I’m going to talk about my experience from a few months back.

During April, I think it’s April. Mid of April. Yeah, April! I did another production with Red Productions: Who? (If you don’t know, its the same production I did with Luwei from last year, they just change name.)

There’s a reason why I don’t talk much during the cast after party that day, the one at St. Andrew Cathedral. My emotions wasn’t like stable then and my emotions was a mess and I didn’t know how to express my gratitude to the different people that help me pull through one of my toughest period of my life.

During the beginning of the production, I really wanted to just drop out of everything and disappear from the surface of the earth. Everything seems so black and there seems to be no way during that time. I have not attended church for a long time, barely talked to anyone from church and my fellow friends. I was walking a tough road that seems to be no way out.

Many people don’t know this. Not many do now too. But I’ll admit it here.

There’s always a constant thought to hurt myself. To give up on life and myself. There’s also a constant voice in my head that keeps telling me that “I’m useless and not good enough!”

And then the production was coming near and people were constantly messaging me and saying “eh, Fenella change number arh?” or like “she die already?” or something related to that. Then a few days before the rehearsal starts, someone that I forgot who said this, “we will drop her out of this if she doesn’t reply by today.”

I really wanted to reply “yes, please drop me out of this project this year.” but then there’s a constant nag at the back of my head or brain or mind or heart…. telling me “just go. there’s nothing to lose right?” and then I thought with my heavy heart “I’ll do this for you, Lord. And not for anyone else. Maybe you put this in front of me to show me something.”

I didn’t know how I would do it for him but I turned up for rehearsal with a very very very heavy heart with a lot of reluctant on a Saturday. I was tired of life, tired of walking, tired of forcing a smile on my face, tired of explaining and talking to anyone. But I went to rehearsal. Pick up my feet and walk. Barely speaking throughout the rehearsal.

Ok, this is a little long winded for a first day rehearsal thing…. But anyway, first day was like terrible for me. Got a phone call and cried just outside of Raffles City while many passerby just walk and stare at me, wondering what was wrong with me. Siao or what?!

Anyway, I sat at the Sanctuary and open the bible, I found peace on that day. A slight peace while the hot air ruffled my hair and neck. I can’t exactly remembered what passage I turned to but I know it’s from Psalms. I felt peace and the presence of God after a very very long time.

The days after that got better. Rehearsals become more fun and exciting for me. I become excited and eager to go for rehearsals even though it was a Saturday morning. I made mistakes here and there. Found the courage to talk again and admit the mistakes I’ve done.

Corinne asked me before, “so how’s working with Red Productions again?” and I was like “this is work? this is not work. At least I don’t think it is because while I get my things done, I have fun. I didn’t need to constantly worry about who’s going to be backstabbing me or talking bad about me behind my back. i didn’t need to worry someone else going to harm me without me knowing or harming me.” and I honestly felt that. “It’s like I’m working with my family. Not work-work but a family type of work to accomplish something.”

As rehearsal passes, I get to know the different personality of different people. Maybe not the whole package but glimpse of it here and there.

Like Kenneth, always about self defense and survival skills. Go jungle with you confirm won’t die one. You know rope skills… Next time I go jungle, I call you along. Hehehe…

Samantha, cannot 抱 baby. hehehe.

Dixon, the one from last year keep on don’t pick up my calls, love watches… Very knowledgeable about them too! The uncle of the team, always making people laugh. But when it comes to serious topic, really serious one.

Ms Lili, Dharshini! My Miss Lili!!! Hehe, always so helpful! Always there to give me a helping hand to transport props. Always let me hug and stick to!

Walter. The annoying suddenly disappear kid who I’ve come to learn a lot from his patience and love of life and animals! Always there to talk and speak his mind. Always there to sing his lungs out and entertain people.

Christopher Korkor, 你辛苦了!You constantly remind me of how much Jesus had went through for us when he came to wash our sins away by being crucified on the cross. Every single time I watch that scene, goose bumps appear and I feel a chill down my spine. So yeah, 佩服!尊敬!Salute!

I think its the hardest for me to go through and let go Production week. The first full dress was the most terrible one. Was so chaotic that I literally wanted to scream and go nuts because sound was not good, got problem.

I really want to thank the wardrobe team~ Steffi, Samiah, Kerencia and Indah. Kana from me so bad that day. So sorry! I’m so sorry! That I had to rush your and like scream and demand like a very quick change. I feel very bad one! I want to thank the team for working so hard throughout the show! Always not neglecting their job and always going the extra mile! It’s been hard on you guys to always iron the clothes and look after the cast!

MY dear SM team as well. We had work hard! Shermin had it hard! You have been doing a lot for the team! Always there to constantly annoy me and listen to me nag and talk shit. It’s the 2nd time I did a production with you, first was Gentarasa…. During painting of the props and yada yada yada, we talked a lot. You pulled me through this all a lot. Really really really really serious. Without you, I think it would be really different.

Thanks to Justine and Corinne for being my constant strength and support throughout the whole production and throughout the time I’ve known you. I know like I don’t call you guys up a lot or like good students, pass with flying colors or bring your out to have lunch or dinner…. I’m not a really good student nor a friend… But I’m trying to be a better myself. Actually I think I’m the worst student or friend someone could actually have… to constantly have to help me share my burden and problems. I’m actually quite sorry for being a person I am… But I’m still very thankful for the presence you are in my life and the constant support you give me throughout my time with you.

I think without you guys, I don’t really know what would be of me now. Part of it is cause God help pull me through all this but its also cause He send you guys into my life to remind me that He is in my life and He will be there for me… whether I notice or not.

I mean everyone mean a lot to me. Every single one of you. I know like I don’t talk to everyone every single day or like we don’t contact much after production but I do dearly miss working with you all. Out of so many productions that I’ve done, this is one of the only 3 productions that I had a post-production blues. I didn’t had mood to eat or talk because I didn’t know what to do after the show. I didn’t know what was after that, I miss you guys very badly.

No words can express how much this production mean to me. Maybe to some its just another show or a cause but for me it moved me a lot! I can’t thank like everyone here because I don’t know how much longer this post can get…. But I really am very thankful for everyone!

I would like to really thank our Heavenly Father, without him I wouldn’t be writing this post. Without him, I don’t think I would have recovered from my problems. Without him, I wouldn’t be able to meet you guys and feel a genuine bond from another human being. (not saying there’s no genuine bond with other people la…)

So thank you everyone, you really do mean a lot to me.


P.s. this post is meant like a letter, a letter written from me to you as a person. Not a indirect manner of writing? Like I’m writing to you as if I’m talking to you that type of letter? Wait… never mind, you get it!

P.p.s I duno how many people from the team will be reading this, but do please pass along the message. I duno if by me writing this mean anything to anyone but I would like it to mean something for me as a thank you letter.

P.p.s.s Some people may think this is phony or fake, but I’m really writing this from the bottom of my heart. Or as much as I can squeeze out because that portion a bit sensitive to show all la…

I don’t know what’s God’s plans for me. Sometimes I get distracted and get lost as I walk in this journey of life. I get easily lost.

Like now, I’m thinking – “what am I suppose to do God? Am I not suppose to continue this line? Am I suppose to continue this line?” Cuz I didn’t get replies from companies that I send out my resumes to… “Is this not my path?” I asked God most of the time.

I can’t see my path clearly. And it makes me question why am I like that… Why I can’t see my path. Is there a problem with me? Is it a error with my career path?

I always ask myself if this is really what I want in my life. And I get no answer. Because I don’t have one.

So I’m always worried about my future. And because of that, I pray or talk to God constantly. Cuz somehow I know he will listen to me and he will show me signs of my path. But sometimes I’m really too blind and not notice them.

I actually duno what I’m saying. It’s all over the place. Can’t think straight now…

Ok, bye.