I’m sincerely asking you of this.

It’s very de hard to empower people when you are feeling down.

I always feel that my living purpose is to go out and empower people’s life. No matter whether small scale or big scale. If I could change someone’s life, I would gladly do it because it’s the best thing I can do for people.

But lately. It’s getting very hard to do that. I’m always down. I bury myself in things that get my mind off the thing for a short period of time. Or I do things that will only sustain me for a short period of time.

How to tell people not to be disappointed with yourself and be hard on yourself when you can’t even achieve that yourself?!

I always wonder how can I help people when I can’t even help myself. Because who can be fooled? I also need help myself. How can I even help other people when I need help?

There are times when you look after people for so long and took up so much of your strength that you forgot that you need to look after yourself as well. You drain yourself of your life force to look after others first.

People tell me that I should stop caring for other people and only care for people who matters to you. But how do I know who matters? Because to me, everyone matters. That’s why it’s so hard to just not care.

There are people out there that needs people to care for them but don’t speak up. If there is one person less that cares, how many will be cared?

At this era, people don’t dare to speak out and say “I care”. Very few. And even if they say they care, they don’t actually do something to show that they do care. Which is one thing that is so hard for meΒ to decipher.

You say “I care” but you are not doing anything to show that you actually care. And people will just assume that you don’t. And that’s the truth that the society is facing.

More and more people are committing suicide because they feel that life is meaningless and that no one cares anymore. More and more people are hurting themselves because they feel that they need to be that way.

Worst is that there is no one out there that will actually go there and tell them to stop. I always ask myself how many people are out there doing the same things I do to myself because I feel the misery of living. I question my existence. I question my purpose.

I care. But I don’t know how to help people as well. Because just like them, I’m human. Still experiencing life. Also in pain. I don’t know who really cares and who don’t.

So sometimes, I cry. I cry myself to sleep. Or I cut myself to ease the pain of being lonely.

And you know what? Cutting myself may help to make it go away for awhile. But the demon comes back. It will always keep haunting you at the back of your mind. It will keep nagging at you, telling you that you are not good enough, telling you that you are a failure and nothing will change so you might as well go die so that you won’t burden anyone.

I’m not trying to get your attention or be a attention seeker. But the truth is that people needs that attention. People seek that attention because they needs it. Not because they are trying to gain pity or want to be popular. They need to know someone that cares. And not just say that you care and leave it.

You know how it breaks my heart?! That I write such a freaking long post and people will just ignore it and scroll through it. It make me more depress when people reads your posts on Facebook or on Tweeter but they choose to ignore it and think that everything would go fine and that they will get over it and move on. But most of the time, it doesn’t happen that way.

A simple gesture of reaching out to phone that person. A simple gesture of texting that person. That’s all that a person needs. Maybe occasionally call that person up and talk to them.

I know life is busy. You have work. You have school. You have boyfriends. You have girlfriends. You have family. You have pub time. You have screw time.

I’m not saying to dedicate your 24/7 to helping people and ignoring your own needs. I’m just saying that if you see people post a emo post about suicide or hurting themselves or similar stuff… talk to them.

Let them know life is not so bleak. That there are people who cares. And if they cannot open up to you, call someone for help. Call a suicide hotline for help.

Because that’s what I did. I called a suicide hotline. SOS (Samaritans Of Singapore). I called them before I do something drastic. I called because I wanted someone to talk to but don’t know who to turn to. I called because they are people who don’t know me but will still help me.

I cried. I cried till my head hurts. But talking make me be at peace for awhile, make me take a deeper breathe and not think everything is over.

But it’s not the cure. There are steps to recovery. Many small steps. And I’m walking towards it.

So take it as I’m begging you, when someone screams for help no matter how not obvious it is, grab that person and help them. Because at my bleakest moment, I cried for help but no one was there to help me out. I wish someone was there but there was not. You can make excuses like “I shouldn’t interfere with her personal life, if she needs help she can come look for me.” or “She can handle it” or “She knows I’m here for her.” but a person, especially like me, wouldn’t cry out for help and reach out directly.Β So I urge you, please if you see someone suffering, talk to that person before someone happens. That’s all I ask.

Sincerely.

I have a fascination… my sister.

She very interesting one. You know why? She can remember almost all of the Pokemon in the series… I’m not talking about the regular Pikachu or Meow…

I’m talking about the irregular… The ones that I know by the character and not by name… She can tell me the name and their characteristics… From it being a water Pokemon to the power it has and what it evolve from…

She pro.

By the way, she is watching Pokemon now. On season 5…

I seriously duno how many times she have watch the series… I can’t count. Seriously.

I’m afraid to hurt people. Very afraid.

Because it seems like everything I do, somehow it will hurt someone. Directly. Or indirectly.

I’m scared that people will be disappointed with me. And that’s one form of hurt to me.

I’m not a good person. Not good enough that people should spend time for me. Cry for me. Worry for me.

That’s why I laughed it off when people asked me “are you ok?” because I don’t deserve it.

I may seem like a happy kid who is happy go lucky and that I have no worries and whatsoever…

But deep down, I know I’m a scare-dy cat.

I choose to not talk, so no venom or evil will be spilled. I choose to isolate myself, so no one will be hurt. I choose to walk this journey as quiet as I can, because that way people wouldn’t notice me and wouldn’t care about me.

But it’s hard.

Human are such contradicting creatures. First they don’t want this. Yet at the same time, they want it at the same time.

That’s including me. Weird and contradicting human creatures.

Suddenly there is thoughts of hurting myself… I want to hurt myself so bad that its like a itch under my skin.

But then I’ve promised people that I won’t do it. But still, there is the temptation.

Its there. Crawling deep. AttackingΒ under my defense.

Its so hard. But i’m trying my best.